STILL A WRITER, STILL NOT READ

I was just about to give up on my goal and aspiration of publishing my novels and Children's books, when I happened across a piece of an interview where Toni Morrison, claimed that once she quit her full time job to become a full time writer, she felt real fear for the first time in her working career. In so many words, she said that making the commitment was not what frightened her, but all the free time now available to her; which meant that she had to commit.

I would like to understand that fear. In fact, I WANT TO FEEL THAT FEAR!! Like so many unpublished authors, I have the works in my mind, laptop, other computer, sketch book, notebook, filing cabinet, on scraps of paper jumbled and crumpled at the bottom of my purse, inside one of my many journals, the ash tray in my car... you get my drift. And like so many writers, I have a whole file (to be nice, let's just call it a scrap book) of rejection letters - some handwritten. In the publishing world, hand written rejections are good. You don't get published, but they are good. (Pahleeezzz.)

Several nights ago while cleaning out a closet, I ran across an old suitcase I knew was full of photos. Not able to resist, I began to thumb through. As I relived old moments, I saw an envelope with the words - "Report: What I Want and Expect to do When I Grow Up." As I unfolded the paper, another fell away from it and floated to the floor in 2 pieces. It was a poem about grapes that I had written in the 5th grade.

Grapes are Wild
Green and Purple
Some People Eat Them
My Grandpa Drinks Them
They Grow on Vines
In France
Where People Like to Dance

(My grandfather really did tell me that he liked to drink his grapes. I was thinking Welch's - looking back, I am positive that he was thinking Cold Duck.) After I chuckled a bit, and noticed all 'caps' were correct for poetry (part of the lesson), I focused again on what was left in my hand. This time it was an actual report written during my Sophomore year in high school.

The main content was about me becoming a writer or a nurse. As I read, it was clear to me that writing was what I wanted to do most. But where is the time? I didn't become a nurse, but somewhere along the line, I did become a teacher, so I write when I can, which is mostly during the summer and some weekends, but that is OK. I am back on track again, and hopefully someday, the fear that crept over Toni will visit me.